Friday, June 5, 2009

Anatomy of a Bad Dub

This article, while originally posted several years ago, is (sadly) still very relevant today. For when you have searched high and low for that hard to find movie there may be no recourse but to turn to "collector's video", especially if you want to see that movie again before you die. If you don't know what "collector's video" is it's that gray market DVDr product. There used to be a clear cut line between legit DVD releases, meaning the factory produced silver backed DVDs, and homemade product burned onto recordable media. Sadly, since this article was originally published, that line has blurred to insiginifigance as certain studios have opened their own "stores" to sell DVDRs.

Why?

The sad truth is studios will often "sit on product", meaning they squirrel movies away in their vaults waiting for their set licensing fees to be met by third party DVD labels. Alas the studios, and rights holders, often demand such ridiculously high fees for their film's use and video rights that, hard as it is to believe, there's never more than a fraction of the total number of movies ever made in "official" video releases.

Worse, many of these forgotten films suffer from the ravages of time due to the very type of film stock used. Movies have even been lost due to neglect while left sitting on a shelf. Some forever because they were never released to video in any form. But this no longer need be the case.

Back in the Jurassic era, when behemoth monsters known as laserdiscs still wandered the Earth, there was really only one feasible option for cult movie aficionados to acquire rare and hard to find movies. Collector's tapes. If ever there was a Golden Age of gray market video future historians will likely agree it would begin with the mass production of the VCR. It is, after all, what made "collector's video" accessible to a wider audience.

Of course there was a thriving home video market prior to VHS. Alas we take it for granted that VHS was the first entertainment system for home movies. And, no, I am not talking about Betamax. For years before video equipment became accessible to the general public there were other, often very expensive, video formats. But before even that, in the distant Precambrian era, there was 8mm and 16mm film.

In this day and age of instant gratification where pictures can be downloaded from a camera and printed on demand we take it for granted that film, once upon a time, actually meant film; as in celluloid. We forget that because we live in a time where digital cameras are ubiquitous, movies are 90% CGI SFX, and most movies come into our homes thanks to a satellite dish. We forget that, once upon a time not that long ago, things were very different. We have forgotten there ever was a time that cell-phones and videogames didn't exist! Try to imagine that. It's very difficult, isn't it?

Worse, we've forgotten that home video was once seen not only as threat to films but was reviled by the film industry. Bored conspiracy theorists of the future will undoubtedly claim this is why so many early’ve forgotten. .

Quality.

We take it for granted that video should be crisp, clear, and vibrant. Not only was this not always the case but, once upon a time, video collector's were willing to put up with a lot worse.

The above is a still from a factory prerecord, recorded in SP mode, of Mines of Kilimanjaro. This is one of the older VHS tapes in my collection. Notice how fuzzy and full of grain the picture is, how it lacks definition, and now compare it to a screen cap from one of the last movies I ever purchased on VHS:

That is a scene from early in the movie Masque of the Red Death. By DVD standards that picture seems a bit fuzzy. However that tape, which proclaimed on the cover that it was 'digitally remastered', was actually a marked improvement over the video quality on older tapes like the one mentioned above.

Now you have a general idea of the range of quality that existed on VHS prerecords. Many, if not all, of the so-called "collectors" DVDRs are likely taken from similar tape sources. Some vendors will try to give grades of quality from "A" to "D" alas they are mostly in this for the money, meaning there is no real way to tell what the picture quality is until you sit down to watch a "collectors video" and by then it may be too late.

Behold Exhibit-A :

1. Poorly done, and very fake, Letterbox effect. Probably done to cover up dub bar streaks.

2. What appears as extreme blurry grain on VHS becomes pronounced interlacing artifacting on the screencap. (From DVD-R.)

3. Evidence of dub stretch marks that the poorly executed Letterbox effect failed to cover up.

That, friends, is F- quality video. Of course it wasn't listed as such. This is the sort of garbage opportunistic gray market vendors looking to make a quick buck heartily fob off on us unsuspecting consumers. If you're lucky you might even get a cheap case with a color label produced on a laser printer. Alas you'll rarely be that lucky.

Another factor to consider is price. Most of the gray market vendors are selling their wares for premium DVD prices. That's just ludicrous. The studios are doing the same but, and you have to consider this, the studios are far more likely to stand behind their product than some anonymous basement dwelling re-burner. The studio product is also likely to be of better quality and come with a case and artwork. In the current economic times these are all matters for consideration before placing an order. Be sure you know what you're getting and that you're dealing with a reputable vendor.

Caveat Emptor.

Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Warlords

In memoriam to David Carradine Mise-en-scene Crypt reposts a classic review of a movie produced at a time when rental stores were still looking to fill their shelves with anything they could get their hands on. Warlords is a campy post-apocalyptic farce that casts David Carradine as a knock-off Rogue Trooper character wandering a Mad Max landscape populated by gas mask wearing mutants. This post-apocalypse parable comes complete with a spunky foul mouthed side-kick who thinks she's the lead of the piece played by Dawn Wildsmith, a mad as an hatter who's lost his bag of marbles Sid Haig in the role of Warlord, scream queen Michelle Bauer as the damsel in distress, and a bevy of scantily clad harem girls thrown in for good measure (and the audiences pleasure).

The plot of this shot in a desert back lot with minimal props and a handful of actors post-apocalypse sojourn is threadbare, confused, and barely there.

Carradine is Dow, a clone of a war hero sent into the desert by "the government" to retrieve a scientist. But wait there's a twist, it seems he's really looking for his wife, which makes absolutely no sense since he's supposed to be a clone of a dead guy, so that would mean he's really looking for his original's wife. But why would a clone care? Couldn't he just clone himself a new wife?

While we're asking dumb questions; what government sent him and why are there combat helicopters on the cover of the VHS? There's nary a helicopter in the entirety of this flick!

Speaking of mind-boggling lunacy what in the name of all that's holy is the deal with Wildsmith's character? It's obvious her role is patterned after the "tough girl waif" from movies such as Cherry 2000 (1987) and Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983) but it seems like they shot this one so quick that she didn't have time to breathe and figure out who her character was. At least Melanie Griffith and Molly Ringwald managed to bring more to the clichéd role of annoying brat than radioactive bad attitude, but damn if she doesn't do the 'strutting annoying brat with delusions of grandeur' well!

Alas a danse macabre led by a band of rabid pixies would be easier to follow than Warlords contrived plot. Then again one does not watch post-apocalyptic movies because they're looking for scathing social commentary or intense drama, rather it's because the movies are ridiculous and good for a laugh and the better than average chance to see some naked flesh amidst mindless movie mayhem. This is the sort of video camp you will either enjoy for the piece of trash it is or loathe with a burning hatred approaching the scalding vengeance of a thousand exploding suns. It's just that sort of B-movie.

Is Warlords the worst low budget post-apocalyptic movie ever made? No, but then again this sub-genre isn't exactly known for great cinema. Director Fred Olen Ray has managed to tap into the DTV market with a wide array of action oriented ultra low budget genre fare running the gamut from vampire flicks (Beverly Hills Vamp), science fiction (Starslammer), and bizarre horror comedies (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) filled with plenty of gratuitous explosions and other assorted eye candy. Warlords is no exception, though it's sadly a bit light on the sort of delicious eye candy on display in the screen caps above.

Image Entertainment released this on Laserdisc circa 1989 and apparently has recently released a DVD of Warlords (click to view the Amazon page) but the one review on Amazon indicates the release is sub-par. If true that's a real travesty as this is a groovy bit of 80s era post-apocalypse action adventure low budget amusement. Caveat Emptor.

Click for Ratings info.

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Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

Black Candles (1982)

AKA Los ritos sexuales del Diablo [loosely translated: Sexual Rituals of the Devil] Black Candles is a strange satansploitation film from director José Ramón Larraz (Vampyres, La visita del vicio) apparently made to cash in on The Exorcist. Alas I'm not really sure what to make of this- this crazed piece of euro trash that plays like a sanitized porno. . .

Shocking!

With occult ceremonies that will sting your eyes. .

Ugly!

Mind numbingly absurd dream sequence interludes. .

Scary!

Framed as an meditation on the sexual power politics of a strange family. .

Cottony Soft!

Living in it's own surreal dingy ivory tower world of perversity. .

Hallelujah!

Including Voyeurism. .

Peek-a-boo!

Lesbianism. .

Clams!

Ludicrously staged taboo sex rituals. .

WTF???

And just plain dirty ugly S-E-X. .

Disgusting!

About the only thing missing is coherence. Black Candles is classic Italian strangeness at it's bargain basement worst, or best, depending on your point of view. Recommended for the morbidly curious who must see every faux satanic sickie. If this describes you stop reading and head over to Amazon to buy Black Candles now!

I give this 3 out of 5 Sarah Palin's.

Click for Rating System Info.

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Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Mise-en-Scene Crypt is about Movies.

We all have our favorites, and perhaps a preferred genre, be it romance or horror, science fiction or fantasy, gore or exploitation, or some slipstream flavor between. Studios spend millions every year on movies. Some are released with much hype only to sizzle at the box office while others, like the savages of some prehistoric era, disappear into the dust never to be seen or heard from again. One truism of filmmaking has been that for every blockbuster there is at least a dozen low budget, often independent, knock-offs rushed into production in a effort to cash in on the fickle, and ever so short, interest of audiences. Yet there is a class of film that few talk about. For there are epics and then there are anti-epics. Gor and Outlaw of Gor are prime examples of anti-epics.When the original Mise-en-scene Crypt launched the tone was set from the start by briefly discussing these classic anti-epics. And, now with the demise of the old Mise-en-scene Crypt, let us return to where it all began.

In short the movies are about professor John Cabot, a magic ring (that it's never clear how came into his possession), and Cabot's cross-dimension adventures on counter Earth. A desolate desert world where men are men and women are nubile, scantily clad, and love to wear hats. It's the sort of pulp fiction world that would have appealed to the chauvinistic male fantasies of a time before feminism, a time when women couldn't yet vote and (so those chauvanistic males thought) knew their place; which was wherever men told them it was.

Sound good so far?

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It might have been but, sadly, it is not. The Gor movies are universally reviled as, if you're being kind, wastes of celluloid; cinematic abortions if you're not. These are the kind of movies that probably inspired the likes of Uwe Boll to go into filmmaking. Movie making may seem like a bloody feeding frenzy as producers make mad grabs for that piece of the market pie that will gain them acclaim, but is money truly the sole driving force behind movies?

Saying it is seems shallow, but to deny money is the driving influence of studios would be equally ludicrous. It may baffle us, because we all know that if all someone wants is to make a quick buck there are far better ways to do it. Like, say, investing in a manure farm. Farmers will always need fertilizer after all. And if that's all you're going to end up making anyway. . .

But I digress.

It all started with John Norman's "Tarnsman of Gor" (1966) and the series of novels which followed. This strange, and often controversial, sub-genre of fantasy exists in a black hole nexus of moral ambiguity. Gorean Fantasy is typified by the ideal that men are men and women exist solely to be submissively in service to them.

In other words it's the sort of backdrop that seems custom designed for low budget exploitation filmmakers. Add to this the popularity and cult status the novels have acquired over the years and it's a no-brainer that these novels were ripe for the picking. Alas even a "sure thing" can be ruined in incompetent hands, which seems to be the best way to sum up how the Gor properties were handled.

To be blunt in the world of Gor women are portrayed as submissive chattels whose role in Gorean society is essentially that of eager sex slave. This premise alone is a exploitation filmmakers wet dream. Alas neither the producers or director seemed to grasp the fantasy vision of John Norman, or perhaps they were just not comfortable with it, either way they pissed away a golden opportunity to create an enduring cult classic on par with The Perils of Gwendoline or the infamous nazisploitation Ilsa trilogy.

Curiously producer, director, and general b-movie glutton Roger Corman has presented visions of Gorean Fantasy in his Deathstalker movies that are far better than what the Gor movies presents. While the Gor movies do have scantily clad females and dancing girls there's no nudity, no sex scenes, no bondage, no slave girls or hint of Norman's novels to be found therein. Which some may count as a small blessing. However to fans of novels that get less than stellar adaptations this is yet another in a long line of disappointments. It's easy to bemoan the "suits", meaning studio executives, equate them with loan sharks high on the smell of money who seek to mine popular trends in a effort to make a quick buck while never once delving deeper into the problem; much less caring about the "audience" beyond how to get their money. It's silly to do so ye, when novels like Gor get turned into PG rated pablum, they're perhaps the easy targets at whom to vent.

Expect a lot of venting in the blog. Some of it good, some of it bad, most of it will be clearly labelled as a "rant" but sometimes a few barbs may loosed in reviews. And that's what this blog will mostly be about. Reviews of movies, movies like Gor and Outlaw of Gor and Deathstalker and all kinds of rarefied b-movies. Sometimes my comments may be critical. For instance the excerpts I've read of the Gor novels aren't grand examples of the literary tradition. I've no qualms in pointing such facts out. Nor do I have a problem noted that, while it is understandable, if not logical, why changes were made to the core story what the producers created in their attempt to appeal to the mainstream the end result falls flat. You just can't expect to take a property with a niche cult following, and a cult following in the BDSM community at that, and do what they did here and expect anything other than an Uwe Boll quality tax write off. But I wont bore you further. Expect to see fresh reviews of Gor and Outlaw of Gor appear here soon. Until then thanks for visiting!

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Copyright © C. Demetrius Morgan